Before I start, a note about last month’s blog: Sara’s school, Ridgewoods Nature Programs, is an utterly safe place for young (or any age) children. When Felix bumped his head while there, it was nothing to be concerned about, the Telehealth nurse was simply covering all the basics.
Easter Sunday evening. Felix is at his mother’s and I am peacefully sitting at the kitchen table watching a wild turkey pecking away on the front lawn. We have had a congenial family get-together with our traditional treasure hunt and vegetarian brunch. My ex-husband brings his two lively dogs and provides impossible clues that no one can guess but everyone loves.
After the folks left, I spent the afternoon in the garden with my usual fake spring gardening energy which lasts all of one week, if that, and involves elaborate plans that rarely come to fruition. After three hours of digging and mulling over possibilities, I decided to rip out the large garden and keep only the small ones around the house that I already maintain. Amazing, another sign of reality kicking in after a lifetime of delusion. Also, this was the wedding garden for Mickey and myself. After his death in 2002 it has not been maintained well and is a mass of weeds. Time to let it go. More closure. I’m only keeping the peonies, symbol of new love.
I am deliriously happy to be healthy again. Even though energy is still fragile, I can get through my day mostly intact if I throw in a few corpse poses. My appetite finally returned after some finicky fine-tuning of my diet and adding new herbs. The block in my ear is gone, my sinuses are clear, weight is coming back after losing 12 pounds and I’m starting to exercise after three months of not being able. Best of all, there’s something new arising that is more creative, clearer and bigger. The healing phase did its job.
On a deeper level, the violent visions that have plagued me all my life increased with a vengeance over the last month, changing from involving complete strangers to people I knew. I grew terrified and started to keep my cell phone beside my bed ready to call 911 and locked my doors for the first time. Finally I realized that my terror was creating a negative feedback loop and I was able to turn things around by visualizing help from spiritual guides. My terror gradually melted, leaving more energy for creative thinking, restarting my meditation practice and healing family patterns that have been stuck for generations.
I am preparing a lengthy referral list for my patients as well as a summary of my practice tips, many of which people can undertake on their own and some of which they can do with their new practitioners. There will be a retirement ceremony on June 21 to celebrate the lovely connections we have had, allowing new growth to take place moving forward.
On a personal level, there’s the usual mid-life down-sizing of stuff that’s been accumulating over decades and simplifying my lifestyle to make more room for the important things. The only project I have right now is helping with the monthly Carp Dinners.
It all feels deeply good and healthy and right. I have never been happier.
As things get cleaned up inside and out, the next steps will emerge. There is no longer big anxiety about the future. Another first–a peaceful and safe present.
wishing you a gentle deepening of your own path,