Sometimes when you are healing, it feels like you are dying. And sometimes you are.
It’s a Saturday evening and I have the house to myself. The living room is quiet except for the crackling fire and occasional hum of the fridge. I almost went to bed and then decided that 7:30 really was too early and that I needed to write.
Just an hour ago I was watching a video of myself teaching. I was shocked at how drawn and tired I looked. It is exactly how I feel. Honestly, it is how I’ve felt since 15 years old, that’s forty years of exhaustion. These days it feels worse as I learn to let go of pushing myself, like I am slowly dying under all my busyness.
The other shock was that I don’t smile much, my forehead in chronic anxious lines, my eyes with serious concern.
So, how to slow down when my ambition to prove myself has trapped me in a life that requires more than I can give and when I am SO addicted to achieving?
A few years ago I consulted two psychics about the time of my death. I wanted the information for planning purposes. Both were startled and said that people don’t ask this, not even sure they should tell me. Both told me the same year.
However, one of them also said that if I worked “through my stuff” that I could live much longer. That felt right and that it was up to me. My mother died in her early sixties and my father is still heli-skiing in his eighties.
Where this is leading, is that right now I am driven by issues of guilt, fears of pain and a closed heart that doesn’t let people in. It is truly clear to me that I need to make changes here if I want to thrive and be around for a few more decades. With all the progress I thought I’ve been making, it’s not enough; the video showed me EXACTLY where I’m at.
That woman in the video was not present. I need to be present to slow down. Living like this is actually quite painful and requires lots of anesthetic: excess food, sex, too many sudoku puzzles, occasional buying sprees and endless ideas for projects that will improve the planet. Becoming more present allows me to feel this pain and provides motivation.
OK, I’m almost done. Because that improving the planet bit reminds me that I have believed for a long time that the best thing we can do for the planet and the species is to evolve on the inside, that this creates a resonance that moves us forward more than any project — especially one done with depleted energy— and seeing myself like that just now may be the shock I need to make the necessary change: less work, more fun and more focussed resolution of issues!
So, that’s my answer. I have the tools. And winter is a good time for inner work, tobogganing, skating and sleeping. I will take January off to restructure. Smile.
Now I can go to bed.
thanks for listening,