Sitting in my office with a view of the garden.  All the fruit tree blossoms are out, rather soggy in the rain.  The rain barrels are all overflowing. 

Felix and I have finished planting and are watching baby green things appear.  Our favourite is the acorn that is pushing up into an oak seedling, splitting a hard shell that we couldn’t split without a hammer.

Our application for a booth at the Carp farmer’s market wasn’t accepted after all, sorry about the hype.  But go anyway, it’s a nourishing place to buy organic produce, grass-fed meat and locally made gifts — and meet your friends.

I also didn’t run in the Diefenbooker race.  What happened was that my frequent advice to patients not to run kept going through my mind and on my first 5km trial out, I turned right off the driveway up the path towards the yurt, slowed down to a walk and had the best time on the trail through the forest.  My body felt alive and rejuvenated afterwards and I haven’t tried running since.  I’m dancing more.

We did enter 3 year old grandson Felix in the race in the 2-6 yo division.  When it came time for his age group and the whistle blew, he just stood there and watched everyone else take off, refusing to budge.  We walked together, hand in hand, up through the finish line and collected a purple ribbon for participation.  I think there might be some insights here, grin.

Now for the story of my healing crises, two of them (click here to read more about healing crises).  The first occurred after I had a shocking interaction with another health professional, so shocking my body just froze, my brain beyond words, obviously (but not at the time) triggered back to a similar unresolved event of being put down.   As the freezing wore off, it was replaced by a burning rage.

I brought it to my meditation practice, breathed into the feeling, spoke common sense to myself and sought advice from another human.  The last step, talking about it, brought resolution.  That evening, I felt waves of nausea and wondered what I’d eaten.  Then I remembered that the healing symptom of rage is vomiting — but my body is not yet strong enough to actually vomit.

The nausea lasted until the next day and gently subsided.  And no more hard feelings about a certain health professional, smile, the interaction now feels like a gift from the Universe!

The second one was more intense.  Stop here if you are overly sensitive.  I was reading from Kornfield to Stephen before sleep, the part about the “demons” that interfere with meditation — and life in general.  We came to “restlessness” and I suddenly didn’t want to read anymore, saying this was boring.  Stephen laughed and told me that this restlessness was exactly how I was.

I blurted out without thinking, yeah, running from sex with a two year old — and my body just plunged into another state.  And because Stephen is a safe person for me and I’m in a healing phase, I let it unfold.  Whoa Nelly — my body bucked and twisted and cried and screamed, clenched and unclenched — while poor Stephen watched helplessly, gracefully respecting my gasp not to touch me (made it worse).

He did croon comforting words, you’re ok, you’re safe now, I’m here.  And finally my body relaxed and he just held me.  Wow.  Whatever happened way back when, and I really don’t remember, it was released in that episode.  I was a bit raw for a few days and now my body feels more alive than ever.  (hope that wasn’t too harsh to read, sorry if it was. . . I think it’s important to know things can happen like this. . . if we suppress the movement, the body can’t let go of it. . . if you know what it is, it’s really a cause to celebrate. . . .)

I feel truly blessed to understand the healing process enough to continue rebuilding a body and mind that were just about toast at 30.  Now at 54 I feel like a new person, more with each passing month.

The next step?  Focus on helping the daughters that got wounded by me in the past, facing the deepest guilt and pain that I’ve ever known, too hot to touch all these years.  Maybe now I’m ready. . . .

Thanks for listening, again, sorry if this is hard.  Please be gentle and take time for you if it is.  Get support if you need it, I wouldn’t be alive without it and will still need it for the next phase.  I’ll keep reporting on the process, to encourage others with deep pain that there is hope.

A renewed springtime.

warm regards,